I’ve recently found myself at an interesting crossroads in my life in which I’ve decided to start listening to Metallica at age 22.

I have no prior experience listening to Metallica. So to me it’s a whole new wondrous world of white people yelling. It also has all some special perks I feel like I’ve cheated myself out of by listening to Woodie and Reek Daddy for all this time.

For some reason drinking coffee and listening to it [Metallica] has made my productivity jump 47% in the morning between 8 AM and noon. But probably the most meaningful of all the advantages listening to Metallica has afforded me is the right to wear Metallica t-shirts. Metallica has amassed one of the maneyest t-shirt games of any group of 46 year old white men to date.

Exhibit A: This shit ain't a game.

That’s that ’89 flavor. If you wear this and don’t listen to Metallica, that’s basically a slap in the face to everyone who endures this theatric, loud bullshit on a regular basis.

Exhibit B: Look real close...

…KR tag. Exhibit B is just a KR tag on their album cover.

Anyways, I guess to summarize, I always thought Metallica was hella stupid, and then a couple days ago I found a lot of it on my computer so now I just listen to it to be ironic.

All I ever knew about Metallica was a couple kids that smoked bomb shake out of plastic bongs trying for 3 hours straight to play the beginning of this song on their acoustic guitar.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

My eyes are wide open now.